Long Ago Tears: Zangoose's Story

[Akai]

Zangoose stilled hearing Akai's question, replaying it over and over in his mind. 'Do you think I can meet your family?' It was a simple question, yes, as they talked by the fire, settling down for the night, but this took Zangoose by surprise. He never expected Akai to request something like this. He was simply stunned. He remembered the many times he'd been with her odd family back in Slateport, but he never thought ahead to this point. He finally spoke, "Akai... I don't think you can meet them... ever."

She frowned, "Aww, why?" Zangoose closed his eyes. Why... he questioned himself with that as well. Why, indeed. He got up quickly, "I... need to get some more wood." He hurried off. Akai blinked, looking at a small pile they already collected, then off to Zangoose, but he was already gone. Zangoose burst into a run, running as far away as he could before his memories crippled him and he fell to the ground, crying, something he hated to do. His past won... again.

He thought back to long ago, when he could remember himself happy. The small village he lived in was nestled safely in the mountains, looking down on a huge valley. A stream passed near the village and the children Pokemon played in it daily. Zangoose was among the new litter born that day, hatching from his egg first before everyone. The next to hatch was beside him, a little Riolu. Zangoose turned to him, "Hello..." The Riolu fell out of the egg clumbsly, grumbling a little. Zangoose laughed, "You're funny..." Riolu looked up, smiling, "I want to go back in. It's too big out here." They laughed together, as the other eggs hatched. Another Zangoose, this one having blue stripes, instead of orange, walked up to them.

Zangoose gasped, looking at her. She was beautiful as she smiled to them, "Come on. Let's go play." Riolu got up, now walking steady, nodding. Zangoose stood up, only to trip over a piece of egg, falling to his face. The female Zangoose laughed, running off. Riolu grinned at Zangoose, "Zangoose and Zangoose sitting in a tree..." Zangoose huffed, "Am not! I just tripped is all..." Riolu laughed, following the female Zangoose out. After laying on the ground for a while, two larger Zangoose looked down at him, "Well, here he is." He was picked up by his father, tickled by his mother. Zangoose laughed a little, being carried to his home.

Zangoose opened his eyes, seeing Akai. She looked worried, "Are you okay? We have plenty of wood for the night, and I was going to sleep soon anyway." Zangoose nodded, "Yeah... I'm fine. Just go to sleep. I'll try to find a fruit tree to pick from in the morning. You like fruit, right?" Akai smiled a little, "You're so nice. Thank you. I'll make your bed, so you can just pile up next to me." She walked off. Zangoose heaved a sigh, turning away, letting tears finally fall from his eyes.

[Akai]

"...Zinna." Zangoose whispered out to himself. His love. His life. Gone. The memories pained him. He remembered her... so free and outgoing. She was perfect to him. Zangoose walked, happy that his lie about the fruit tree worked, but now he actually wanted to search for it. He started to run around a little, jumping to the trees, searching every inch for fruit. He stopped, gasping as he saw one in particular. A small heart shaped fruit called a pecha berry. He looked down at it, picking it up. "...Zinna..."

Zangoose had grown up a lot. He was cocky and confindent, and didn't lack in it either. He was young, but already showing signs of a great warrior. His father took him out training a few times a week and he only got better. He was standing in front of a tree, staring at it. His long claws started to glow fierce as he ran for the tree, jumping a little and plowing a Slash attack deep into it. His name rung out, "Zeeerooo!!" He missed the tree, slamming face first into it. Zinna stood next to the tree, laughing a little. "Sorry. I didn't know you were training." Zangoose pushed himself up, "No problem, but please don't call me that."

"That's your name."

"I hate it. I'm Zeron."

"I think Zero is cute."

"Zero is a loser's name, and I am not a loser!"

She went to him, hugging him, "You'll always be my little Zero."

He blushed wildly, "Um... Zinna... thanks?"

An annoying laugh came out, a slightly bigger than normal Riolu walked out, "Like I said before, Zinna and Zero, sitting in a tree." Zangoose growled, "Where is this tree so I can Slash it down?! Rixo, you're so annoying." Zinna smiled, releasing Zangoose, "I should go now. I'll leave my two strong boys to training." Rixo laughed, "Boys? In case you haven't noticed, we're men." Zangoose grinned, "He's right. Big strong men!"

Zinna laughed, trying to hide it and walked off. Zangoose looked at Rixo, taking a stance. Rixo took a stance as well, running to Zangoose, sparring with him. They continued sparring like that, day after day. until Rixo one day left the village with a small group. Zangoose watched from a rooftop, hoping to see his best friend again.

The Pecha berry dropped as Zangoose let his hand down. He became angry all of a sudden, jumping up, disappearing from sight.

[Akai]

The trees on the horizon fell from the multiple Crush Claw attacks from the now raging Zangoose. "RIXO!!!!" He hated him now, remembering that day, that fateful day, where their friendship was greatest... and how easily is was broken. Zangoose split a tree, snapping the top off, taking his perch on the cut. He looked off into the distance, smelling the air that gently blew. "...No, not Rixo. Lexio..." He let out a deep sigh, thinking back once again for the night.

Zangoose, now fully grown, ran with his father and several other Pokemon; Sandslash, Granbull, Electabuzz, and Skamory. They were in a unique formation, running through the forest, just outside the village. A few strange colored Steelix roared deeply, speeding to the village. They burst out of the ground as the team went into action, attacking as they attacked. Zangoose's team was just one of many. Two others, one containing Rixo, sprang forth.

The small battle lasted most of the day, but the defeated Steelix slithered away, groaning in pain. Rixo landed on the ground, after landing a swift kick to a random Steelix. With a cocky laugh, he shouted an insult, only to be surprised by a hidden Steelix. Rixo fell to the ground, bracing himself for the blow until it never came. He opened his eyes to see Zangoose standing over him, on the Steelix. He jumped down to his fallen friend, offering him a hand. Rixo gladly took it, and suddenly started to glow.

Both their teams joined around them as Rixo evolved into a Lucario. Zangoose's jaw hung open, looking at his new friend, "...Ri... Rixo?" Rixo looked at himself, "I think so... what happened?"

"You evolved!" shouted someone.

"It's your friendship that did it." followed another.

Rixo smiled to his friend, "Thanks. I couldn't have evolved without you." Zangoose smiled, "Yeah. I wish I could evolve so you can return the favor." Rixo laughed, but stopped when a rough looking Mightyena ran up, "The Steelix were nothing. There's an army of them!" The teams looked at each other, finally Rixo's leader, an old Shiftry, spoke, "We'll go. I think young Rixo will want to test his new form."

"I'm not Rixo anymore... Call me-"

"LEXIO!!!!" Zangoose released a final attack, turning a tree to splinters. He landed on the ground, huffing. He collapsed to the ground, panting, having exhausted himself again. His eyes closed, finally getting some sleep he needed, having a happy dreamless sleep.

[Shiny Espeon]

So, this is the deep, dark past of a talking Zangoose....and that's all I can see. There is no mood in the story right now for me, and nothing really interesting has happened yet.

Nethertheless, I know you can pull a good story out of this. Go for it. :]

She frowned, "Aww, why?" Zangoose closed his eyes.

The quote by Akai should have been seperated from the rest of this paragraph.

An annoying laugh came out, a slightly bigger than normal Riolu walked out, "Like I said before, Zinna and Zero, sitting in a tree." Zangoose growled, "Where is this tree so I can Slash it down?! Rixo, you're so annoying." Zinna smiled, releasing Zangoose, "I should go now. I'll leave my two strong boys to training." Rixo laughed, "Boys? In case you haven't noticed, we're men." Zangoose grinned, "He's right. Big strong men!"

Same thing here. It's better to seperate the quotes to make it easier to understand what each Pokemon is saying.

"It's your friendship that did it." followed another.

There should be a comma after the last it.

If I could suggest something really quickly here, it would be to give more of an introduction. You start off with a vague question by Akai, and then you jump into the past of a talking Zangoose. Sure, I kinda know about this Zangoose, but otherwise, it's oddly confusing. Also, we have no information about Akai or what the two are doing in the woods...What woods are they in, anyways?

A good introduction is not always needed, but it does help set a foundation for the rest of the fanfiction. I personally always use them, even if the five "who, what, when, where, and why" questions are hard to answer.

Alright, some of the story was hard to follow. You flew from Zangooses's past, to sparring with the Riolu, and that was pretty confusing. Then you went to the "big battle", and I was lost there. Slow it down a bit, and let the reader comprehend what's happening before you jump to something else.

Something I also found was the lack of detail. Honestly, I couldn't picture anything in the story-it was lifeless, and I found myself skimming the text to read the story. You really need to push exotic, vivid details into the fanfic so the reader won't be bored. Let me feel Zangoose's feelings, not see them. Sure, I see him throwing a little tantrum, but let his dark emotions slip into my mind and poison my own mind! Honestly, it seems that you have a great idea here, but that's just a topic. Support it with detail!

Go for the rest of your story, though! I know you can do this! :]

[Akai]

Thanks for the comments, or rather insulting critisizing.

THE END!!

[Shiny Espeon]

You can see it as insulting, it you want. I personally see it as a type of aid, because I'm shot down for my writing all the time. In that situation, it's up to me to regain that vital confidence and motivation to keep writing.

Now it's up to you if you want to continue this. I said before that it had a lot of potential, but you have to improve some parts of it.

[Akai]

Can't I write for the fun of it? I don't need this picked through like it was a best seller. THIS IS A FAN FICTION!!!! Leave it at that. If you don't like it, DON'T WRITE ANYTHING!!

[Kaboom]

I thought it was very good, myself. True, there's some ways it could be improved, but in almost every book you get typos.

Also, I think you're overreacting about the comments SE is making. All they are are minor things that weren't quite right. I posted my fanfic in Pokecommunity, asking for feedback. Guess what I got? Some snooty 19-year old picking at every little niggle, pointing out everything that was even slightly illogical, like for example the newly hatched Torchic talking capably. Your Pokemon do that, and quite rightly so. As I pointed out to this person, Pokemon are not humans. Animals like deer and sheep need to be able to run within hours of being boen, whereas humans take about a year to walk shakily. I was totally pi**ed at him, but I edited the errors and explained the logic in my story. You shouldn't go mad just because of three tiny comments.